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Lady Anna Crawley

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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2008|03:37 pm]
I am having a quarter life crisis. I dropped a class, I feel awful about it. My “friends” freak about getting C’s, when I would be happy with a C. I keep getting the strange feeling like I can’t breathe, and I think I might evaporate. Seriously. Evaporate. I don’t really like any of my classes, I feel stupid here. Everyone else seems so put together. I just don’t understand. I can’t focus on anything, thoughts just run through my head like water, but I can’t catch them long enough to put them down into words. I spend lots of time staring into space. It dawned on me this week, I will be 20 in 3 months. 20!! I’m not ready to stop being a teenager. 20 means real life. Real life scares me. I feel like I wasted all last year, taking Caitlin and my big sis for granted. I’m trying to get to know my big sis more, and trying to keep in touch with Caitlin, but it seems like we are coming further apart. I still don’t know if Salem is right for me, or where to go that is right for me. I thought I had life figured out. I still hate myself for not going to NCSA. I think I know what I want, but then something happens, and I am back at the start. I sleep, but I am still tired when I wake up. I feel so disengaged from life. I think I am going crazy.
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(no subject) [May. 26th, 2008|11:11 pm]
I hate myself for choosing the wrong college, but I don’t know what to do about it. I turned down NCSA, which I have wanted to go to since 7th grade, to attend Salem College, and I have regretted it every day since. I am finishing my freshman year, and it still feels like the wrong choice, but it is too late to transfer schools, and my grades are so horrible that I would not get in anyway. It does not really help the two schools are less than a mile away from each other. Every time I venture off campus I have to ride by NCSA, it feels like someone punched me in the stomach, and it makes me feel even worse about my decision. Everyone else I keep in contact with from HS seems to like college, and I am forced to keep lying and telling them that I enjoy it as well. I can’t stand the looks people give me when I tell them I turned down NCSA. I can't stand knowing that I ruined my life by not going to NCSA, but it is too late to do anything about it. I am destined to fail at life due to a stupid choice my parents pushed me into. There is that one thing that most people are really good at, but I am good at nothing. Even when I was a kid, I took piano, dance, and voice lessons, but I can't play the piano, dance, or sing. I feel worthless. I feel less than worthless, I feel like the scum of the earth. I feel like everyone else knows what is best for me, so they should make decisions for me, because I screw everything up.
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(no subject) [Apr. 2nd, 2008|11:14 pm]
My journal is friends only. To pique your interests, here are 10 random facts about me.
1 I have a birthmark on my left arm.
2 My hero is William Ivey Long.
3 I would do almost anything anyone asked of me.
4 I’m really, really, really, shy.
5 I used to show sheep and goats.
6 My favorite color is green.
7 I’m indecisive.
8 I love chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
9 I would rather be 9 people’s favorite thing, than 100 people’s 9th favorite thing.
10 My favorite musical is either Company, or The Light in the Piazza.
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